Love Letters (Posted 2/11/09)
When I’m not bombarded with hate mail, I will occasionally receive a note of admiration. It happened more often when I was the sex editor at Stuff magazine, and prisoners, having the magazine’s address and all the time in the world, would write me letters, professing their love and parole dates. Sometimes they’d include drawings: ballpoint masterpieces on ruled notebook paper, usually featuring one of the scantily clad ladies from the magazine. The details and shading they would employ to recreate Pam Anderson’s cleavage or J.Lo.’s posterior were mind-blowing. Still to this day, I believe our country’s most artistic talents remain incarcerated.
My favorite admirer was a man named Alejandro, who hailed from a prison in Tennessee. He would send me one letter a month, each one 8-14 pages long (written on both front and back) ruminating about his days in the clink and our future together. He was very Smoove B about it all. He loved adjectives and derogatory terms of endearment and never left out a single detail. One of the most romantic things he ever said to me was this: “Baby, when I get out, I’m going to make you my ho. I’ll have other hos. But you will be my main ho.” Swoon!
Although my prisoner fan mail has dropped now that I’m freelancing from an unlisted address, I still get adoring e-mails once in a very blue moon. I am always flattered by these, even if the sender is an obese, one-lunged, 62-year-old guy who discovered me through his porn addiction. Like the guy below. His kind (and, uh, very well researched) e-mail, along with my response, follow. Please allow me to spread the love.
From: [Redacted]
To: Laura Leu
Date: Sat, Dec 27, 2008 at 10:50 PM
Subject: I’m Probably The One.
Ok, since it is highly likely that I am “the one” in your life, I thought it only fair that I give you a little background about me. I’m sure your girlfriends will drive you crazy asking “how did you two meet”? It would be pretty silly if you didn’t have an answer and didn’t know anything about me. So we can definitely say that the catalyst was porn. Well, no, actually it was cancer. Boy, I guess I need to explain all that. In a nutshell, if I didn’t develop cancer, I wouldn’t have become fascinated with the whole porn industry. Ok, that take care of it for you? No? Boy, you women always want more details. So, here it is.
I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a lung removed about 16 months ago. My chemo sessions were long, 8+ hours and I was looking for some kind of diversion to occupy the time. I stumbled onto porn. I had, of course, watched movies, looked at magazines and visited a couple of internet sites. But, I had never thought much about it. How did someone become an adult actress? What were the economics of performing, directing, selling, etc. Soon I was hooked and would spend my chemo hours with my laptop looking up articles to read. And no, I didn’t go to any of the visual sites, being somewhat respectful of my chemo neighbors and the attending nurses and doctors. Lets face it, getting it on, or watching people get it on while poison is being pumped into your veins is a real buzz kill. But reading, now that was a noble activity that helped pass the time, plus gave me a slew of book marked sites for when I was home, alone.
At the conclusion of the chemo I was hooked, and decided to specialize my interest by dealing with the women of porn. The fan sites turned out to be of limited value since the information was often conflicting from site to site. As an example, one of todays more famous actress’s states that she’s from South Carolina on one site, Georgia on another and yet a third had her from Alabama. Obviously I needed a more reputable source then the fan sites. All of this lead me to Carly Milne and NAKED AMBITION.
So the circle is complete. When I was done reading your essay and laughing my ass off, I fired up the trusty MacPro, did a Google and spent the balance of the day reading your blog and various articles you have written. It was at the Nathan’s blog that I realized we were meant for each other. That is, assuming you have big daddy issues since I’m older then your dad. I cursed my age and wished it was 20 years ago, but then realized that you would have ben only 11 and I would be in jail. I then modified my thoughts to wishing I was 20 years younger. That works and puts me in a strong courting position. But alas, it is what it is so all I can hope for are super serious unresolved daddy issues on your part.
By now, if you haven’t called the police, hired a hit man or fallen asleep reading this, You might want to know why we are so well matched. Therefore I give you the following:
1. You’re funny, I’m funny looking
2. You’re from Wisconsin, I’m from Wisconsin
3. You got drunk at the Varsity Bar (Var Bar), I checked ID’s at the Varsity Bar
4. We’ve both bought beer at the student union
5. We both know the words to Varsity and to start the arm wave left to right
6. You went on a Stamp Cruise, I bought a stamp while on a cruise
7. You’ve written for Penthouse, I’ve bought Penthouse
8. You’ve been on MTV, Vh1, Fox, etc, I’ve watched those networks
9. You know to cook the Brats in beer, I know to cook the Brats in beer
10. You can play at our wedding reception while I stand at the bar drinking a PBR
11. You like Hot Dogs, I don’t even need to comment
12. Hot Dish, food the way God meant for it to be eaten (Many years ago when I got married, my mom gave my wife recipes of my favorite 10 hot dishes. No wonder it didn’t last
13. You’re on My Space, I’m on My Space (but have only asked women in the adult industry to be my friend so I can get access to their blog
And the list goes on…
So I guess its only fair that you know some personal stuff about me before you decide if I’m the one.
1. 62 (age and height)
2. 1 lung (gaining a lot of weight because I can’t exercise)
3. Single - no children
4. From Wisconsin
5. Big Badger and Packer fan
6. Have been retired for about 5 years
7. Spent 9/11 on the 105th floor of the South Tower 7 of us out of 52 made it out
8. Still have a fear of tall buildings, but not air travel
9. Was the Eastern Regional manager for a large Wisconsin company. Told them I wasn’t happy about our office being in a 50 story building. They changed my job where I got to travel thru out the US, Europe and Canada. My last year I had over 100 flights and 230+ nights in Hotels. Helped me decide to retire.
And maybe the most important, I think you are a tremendous talent and I’m only sorry that I didn’t find you sooner. Keep writing the stuff that makes me laugh and take some time to laugh yourself. If I hear from you, that would be great. If not, I understand and wish you the best.
MY RESPONSE:
From: Laura Leu
To: [Redacted]
Date: Tues, Dec 30, 2008 at 2:36 PM
Subject: RE: I’m Probably The One
Hi [Redacted],
It’s a shame my father didn’t abandon me as a child, because his fervent love and support has left me bereft of any daddy issues. On the bright side, I have a lot of other issues! Unfortunately, though, I don’t believe any of them could push me into the arms of a man three years my dad’s senior, despite your Midwesterness and knowledge of how to cook brats.
Still, thanks a bunch for you email. I was flattered, if not a wee bit creeped out. To be discovered through a combination of cancer and porn is indeed a strange honor, and I’m happy that you at least gained a new hobby throughout the ordeal.
In the meantime, please keep that last lung healthy! I wish you the best of luck in life and love, and if I may offer a bit of advice, I don’t think “the one” for you works in porn. That said, a lot of those actresses DO have daddy issues, so maybe you’re onto something, after all.
Warmest wishes,
Laura
