Kids these days! (Posted 12/2/07)
I walked into Claire’s yesterday (yes, I know, I already broke one of my being-30 rules) and was greeted by the sound of an uncontrollable wailing baby. Normally, that type of non-stop crying makes me want tear out my fallopian tubes and strangle the small life, but when I realized why she was crying, I wanted to kill the parents instead. They were piercing her ears! The baby was less than a year old, and they were shooting metal studs through her delicate flesh. Why is this OK? It’s like admitting your baby isn’t cute enough, so you have to embellish her with sparkly jewels—and cause her major pain in the process. While you’re at it, parents, why not give her a colorful flower tattoo? Or brand a Hello Kitty logo onto her? Or, hell, how about a nose job? It’s never too soon to fix that wide bridge.
While I’m at it, circumcision? WTF? Yes, yes, cultural and religious reasons, blah, blah, I don’t care. You’re chopping off the flesh of a little boy’s ween! It’s barbaric and cruel and completely unnecessary in this day and age. And whether or not I someday have a Jewish baby-daddy, there is no way in hell my future son is going to part with any part of his penis, for they will have to pry my overprotective, motherly grip off his foreskin. Of course, that’s only if I don’t abort him in the first place.
