March 2009
74 posts
WatchGet pumped for the baseball season opener with this the lost track from Jock Jams: Vol. 7.
Gorging at the Moth GrandSlam
Here’s my story from the Moth Grand Slam on Wednesday night. It involves wieners and deep-throating and thrusting, yet it’s safe for work. Unless you work in a kosher kitchen.
Arthur Shawcross (1945-2008)
I don’t know how I missed this, but Arthur Shawcross, the serial killer and big bowl of crazy who was the subject of a profile story I wrote, died in November. Here’s his obit.
I spent three hours with him in a very small room, and it’s no surprise that his creepiness was off the heezy. Still, I felt more comfortable with him than I did with any celebrities I’ve ever...
Nice People Saying Fun Things.
The naked cleaner story that I told at The Moth two months ago earned me a ticket into the GrandSlam next Wednesday. Details are below. Please come and sit in the audience, so I can picture you in your underwear. Actually, it would be a lot easier if you just didn’t wear pants at all. Thanks.
THIS SHOW WILL SELL OUT! GET YOUR TIX NOW! Wednesday, March 25, 2009 NY GrandSLAM Championship...
Love Letters (Posted 2/11/09)
When I’m not bombarded with hate mail, I will occasionally receive a note of admiration. It happened more often when I was the sex editor at Stuff magazine, and prisoners, having the magazine’s address and all the time in the world, would write me letters, professing their love and parole dates. Sometimes they’d include drawings: ballpoint masterpieces on ruled notebook paper,...
Cribs: Rubber Stamper Edition (Posted 1/29/09)
I’ve written about my mom’s rubber-stamping endeavors, including those on a cruise ship at sea. Now see where all the magic happens at her home in Wisconsin! Said magic includes six drawers of hole-punches. Brace yourself.
Moth Balls (Posted 1/14/09)
I told my naked cleaner story at the Moth StorySlam last night (the theme was “dirt”), and I actually won! Watch the video below and see if you can spot my nervous tics. (Hint: involves lots of tugging and awkward intonations.)
Post-scripts:
Tommy was most self-conscious about his boobs and told me he was saving up for a breast reduction.
We took a few pictures together, and...
Spinning and Squeezing (Posted 12/29/08)
On this, the last day of Hanukkah, watch a gentile woman bastardize the dreidel. Gmar chatimah tovah, y’all!
Spinning and Squeezing the Dreidel from Laura Leu on Vimeo.
Juiced (Posted 12/14/08)
I just blew six bucks on a small “Brain Juice” (orange, carrot, gingko), presumably called that because only an idiot would spend that much on such a teeny beverage. The West Village: When you’re not getting mugged, you’re getting financially raped in the juice hole.
Hotdish Dissed (Posted 11/18/08)
Despite my competitive nature, I’m not one to aim high. I don’t strive to win a Pulitzer or a State Fair blue ribbon in the livestock category or anything that, if I reach too high, I risk pulling out my back. I like to take my very mediocre skill set and apply it to things I might have a chance of succeeding in, like competitive skeeball and hotdog cheerleading. Most recently, this...
Poetic Delinquency (Posted 10/29/08)
When I walk down Memory Lane, sometimes I discover artifacts littered along the shoulder proving that I was a sadistic little freak. I wrote the limerick below around age 12 or 13, and that combined with this story about a dead kid in a tree makes me wonder if my teachers ever worried about me showing up to school one day with an M24 Sniper in my Care Bears backpack. Luckily for everyone, I was...
Leugle (Posted 10/23/08)
Self-Googling is a lot like cutting, a little cyber self-injury just to make you feel…something. At the first stab of the search, when you see all the results peppered with your name, you feel a sense of relief (“The Internet recognizes me!”) But if you go deep enough, it will sting and you’ll end up bleeding all over your browser cache. Such was the sad case when I saw my...
McCain and Gopher: Separated at Birth? (Posted...
My friend Chris tweeted an excellent point during the Presidential Debates last night: John McCain sounds just like Samuel J. Gopher from Winnie the Pooh. Sherioushly shpot-on. But I think the comparison goes even beyond the sibilant whistling. Watch the video of Pooh’s crotchety bricklaying rodent-friend and see if you can spot the similarities. Ahem, shpot the shimilaritiesh.
1....
Dirty Work (Posted 10/5/08)
I earned my paycheck this month by selling my dignity. Observe: I watched my ex-boyfriend screw a robot, paid a guy to date me, and sat at the foot of a bed as some poor girl got pummeled in the face with her boyfriend’s balls. And how was your day, honey?
Adventures in Cat-sitting (Posted 9/26/08)
Honestly, where’s a cat-whisperer when you need one?
I think Toby and my mom’s cat Milo would really hit it off.
My First New Yorker Cartoon (Posted 9/22/08)
Inspired by my friend Alison’s blog posts on “If I Drew Cartoons for the New Yorker” and a conversation I had about linguistics with my friend Win, I give you my first cartoon submission: A crotchety old man is glaring at two guys holding hands and says, “Ewe gaze are fowl. Yore going to dye and wrought in hell.” The guys respond: “You’re a...
Quantum Creep (Posted 9/2/08)
I need a quote from an astronomer for a thingie I’m writing on asteroids, and after doing a ProfNet search, I found a listing for a grade-A expert: Richard Berendzen, a Harvard- and MIT-educated physics professor with an expertise in astronomy. He is also the director of NASA’s Space Grand Consortium, winner of the Glenn T. Seabord Award for “Contributions to the American...
Lube, abortion pills, and a broken wang. (Posted...
If I wasn’t doing research for a sex article I’m writing, I’d say the tabs in my browser would lead someone to believe I had a very wild night.
A literary burr under my saddle. (Posted 6/16/08)
If you look up the word “cliche” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of the “If you look up X in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Y” construct. Just sayin’.
Recession affection lemonade stands, gravel...
Sure, the job market is eroding and home foreclosures have hit record highs, but a telltale sign of an economic recession? When kids are selling rocks at their lemonade stand, as my nephews did with their cousins a few weeks ago in Wisconsin. For the record, I bought a glass of punch, one (not dumb) rock, and tipped ‘em a quarter. Hey, whatever I can do to help the economy!
Thatcher at...
Ouch (Posted 5/22/08)
My toe is bleeding profusely right now. Why, you ask? Because I just stepped on it. How does one step on one’s own toe, you ask? Well, maybe if you would quit interrupting me with questions, I could tell the story. I was backing out of my closet and tripped on my cable cord, catching myself mid-fall by crossing one leg over the other to re-balance myself. Yay, I didn’t fall! But I was...
Stampin' at Sea (Posted 3/29/08)
I’m heading to Bermuda today. Wait, hold your jealousy! I’m getting there by way of a cruise ship filled with 1200 rubber stamp enthusiasts. OK, now you can unleash your envy. It’s time for the annual Stampin’ Up! cruise that I go on with my mom and sister every spring. For the uninitiated, click here. Or just look at the picture, which is worth a thousand words of pure,...
Feaster Weekend (Posted 3/23/08)
This weekend commemorated the day discarded pig parts are nailed to a stick and resurrected in the form of wieners covered in cornbread. Rejoice! The snack has risen. It was National Corndog Day yesterday, a movable feast wherein its followers attempt to consume 10 corndogs, 100 tater tots, and 10 beers (a “triple-double”) on the first day of the NCAA play-off games. Jess & Scott...
Child Pornography (Posted 3/4/08)
Not to be outdone by my bukkake-loving nephew Thatcher, my other nephew Simon has also forayed into porn, but he prefers to stay behind the scenes, unlike his hammy baby brother. Here is the last page from one of Simon’s smut books (written at age 6) entitled “Under the Ocean,” a story about a nibbling angel fish and a boy, who apparently has some sort of biting fetish. Sorry to...
NSF Lactose-Intolerance (Posted 2/12/08)
I got tired of smuggling cheese curds to New York every time I went back to Wisco, so I decided to try and make them myself. With a little help from And That’s How You Make Cheese! and some products and tips from Steve “The Cheesemaker” Shapson, I actually did it! I mean, they weren’t up to par with Bass Lake Cheese Factory’s curds, but I actually managed to turn milk...
A Pole-ka Dance! (Posted 1/8/08)
If you’re a horny old German man, boy, is this gonna knock your trachten socks off.
Starring Laura H on the pole and me on the box.
Rest in Sleaze (Posted 1/7/07)
Pedophilia Pop Quiz! (Posted 1/1/08)
Two of these guys are convicted child molesters; the other one, I used to date. Can you pick out my ex-boyfriend from the perverts? Probably not! So I put the answer below.
The answer is B. Jaron used to diddle me, not 13-year-olds!
Live from Wisconsin! (Posted 12/27/07)
This is downtown River Falls. Not much has changed since I grew up here, except the movie theater (seen there on the right) raised their ticket prices 50 cents, from $1.50 to $2. That’s right, you can still see a first-run movie for TWO BUCKS! Their concessions are also ridiculously cheap. My sister just saw Alvin & The Chipmunks with her hubby and two kids, and the grand total...
Dead Animals and Live Cultures (Posted 12/26/07)
Aves “Wisconsin’s Finest” Taxidermy & Cheese shop sign, an entire semi truck painted with its name, is one of those things I look forward to seeing whenever I come home. It’s been there forever and is practically a landmark in our town. Unfortunately, they must not have been selling enough blocks of cheddar, because the word “Cheese” has been painted over on...
Merry Christmas! (Posted 12/25/07)
Santa Claus actually came to town two weeks ago for Santacon. Click the smashed Saint Nick below to see the glorious photographic evidence.
Santacon 2007
Getting Served on the F Train (Posted 12/17/07)
Allow me to add “Dancing” to my Things I Don’t Wanna See Myself Do list. Also, as you will hear in minute two of the video below, “singing” should be on a list of things I should just never, ever do. Ever. Phil, on the other hand, should have his own goddamn music video.
Squeezing and Contorting (Posted 12/16/07)
I have a short list of activities that I never want to see myself do, for the simple reason that I’m quite certain I look grody to the max doing them. They are: 1. Sleeping 2. Having sex 3. Eating 4. Running Now I have a new activity to add to the list: playing my accordion. My instructor Walter once told me that I look like I’m in pain when I play. But after getting a little tipsy one...
Odd Couple (Posted 12/13/07)
Today I’m interviewing Wyclef Jean AND Richard Simmons, Haitian hip-hopper and flamboyant weightloss motivator, respectively. I wish there was some way to get them on a conference call and do an interview mash-up kind of deal. I’d like to hear Wyclef’s response to how many short shorts he owns and Simmons’ thoughts on Haiti’s political and economic plights.
It's Santacon Eve! (Posted 12/7/07)
Twas the night before Santacon, when all through Gotham, People were buying Christmas costumes, even Jews and Muslims. The Santa suits were hung on their hangers with care, In hopes they’d attract slutty elves and reindeer. The friends were nestled, all snug in their beds, While visions of tequila shots danced in their heads. And oatmeal in the crockpot, and eggs in the fridge, I laid down...
Kids these days! (Posted 12/2/07)
I walked into Claire’s yesterday (yes, I know, I already broke one of my being-30 rules) and was greeted by the sound of an uncontrollable wailing baby. Normally, that type of non-stop crying makes me want tear out my fallopian tubes and strangle the small life, but when I realized why she was crying, I wanted to kill the parents instead. They were piercing her ears! The baby was less than a...
I am an equal opportunity celebrator (Posted...
From cheese logs to sawing logs (Posted 11/27/07)
A good indicator that you’ve overstayed your welcome at a dinner party? When you hear the host snoring in the next room.
Happy Drinksgiving (Posted 11/26/07)
I didn’t make it home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving this year, so I celebrated with my “family” in New York. The day started at Laura H’s, where we watched the parade from her balcony. You could only see bits and pieces, a Kermit leg here and a Powder Puff vagina there, but we were drinking the world’s best bloody marys so nothing really mattered. Then we watched...
R.I.P. Twenties (Posted 11/20/07)
I turned 30 today, and while some women get all in a tizzy about growing old, I’ve never really given a rat’s patoot. In fact, I sorta love aging because it means birthdays and birthdays mean celebrations, and I love celebrating anything and everything (Happy Vietnamese Teacher’s Day, by the way!) This year, however, was the first time I’ve ever been sad about adding a year...
Girl Meets Soy (Posted 11/15/07)
I like to be gastronomically adventurous, which usually means trying lamb balls or muskrat face or whatever leftover body parts poor people in different countries eat. But last night, Bryce cooked me something that went beyond my limits: vegan meatloaf. And you know what? It was fucking awesome. Even the cold leftovers this morning were delish. Who knew a vegetarian could please a carnivorous...
At least I didn't get spammed with math problems...
Because of my last name, I’m often mistaken for someone of Asian heritage (obviously from people who see my name before my face). But nowhere is this case of mistaken ethnicity more obvious than in my inbox, where I get messages from people who think I both know how to read Chinese characters and have a tiny dick.
For the record, my Leu blood runs German. So I have a huge dick.
A Very Fairy Halloween (Posted 10/31/07)
*Note: All of these links are NSFW. Especially the FoxNews one.* One of my favorite things to do on the Internet (besides getting free stock quotes and luring young children over to my apartment with promises of video games and candy) is sending loved ones gay porn cards. I used to send one to Bill just about every week (there’s always a holiday for gay porn!), but then he became a big shot...
The way to someone's heart isn't through the...
Great advice for healing heartache from my very wise friend Brian: “My father just had an angioplasty. One of those dealies where they go into your heart and blow up an artery filled with plaque and stick a stint (cardiologic equivilant of a mining joist) inside to hold it open. Well, when they do it they go in through an artery in your groin. So, it follows that if the path to a man’s...
Another Reason for PETA to Hate Me (Posted...
Last night at Primehouse, I had the “raging bull,” a martini made with veal stock. It was babycowlicious. I also had steak tartare and a bone-in petite pas filet. Is it possible to develop scurvy from one overly meaty meal? Because I woke up with the shakes this morning.
A Discovery That I Made Today (Posted 10/16/07)
I am left-handed, but I wipe right. I realized this when I was painting my fingernails and nature called. (It was number one; I’m a girl and therefore don’t poo!) The nailpolish was still wet on my right hand, so I was forced to use my left hand to wipe. It wasn’t easy, but I pulled through. Other things I do right-handed:
Cut with a scissors
Underhand serve in volleyball (but...
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to...
I just got home from skeeball and I’m drunk and hungry, as usual. Problem: the only remotely edible thing I have is rice, and it’s not the minute kind, it’s the 25-minute kind. What makes matters even worse is that I have a batch of Wisconsin’s finest cheese curds in the freezer, which is FROZEN SHUT. So basically, I have a bunch of delicious, comforting cheddar nuggets at...